Mir news

 KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly
 excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal
 more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship
 between weightlessness and mortal terror. 

      "By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with
faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA
head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable
conditions for learning about spaceborne panic." 

      The two Russians and one American on board the station are
reportedly terrified beyond lucidity. 

      Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a
June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr
module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected
cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a
shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads. 

      "They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian
mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used
the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet." 

      "We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the
patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of
space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere,
something we did not expect." 

      Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale
told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?" 

      "Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian
cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the
chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland." 

      Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an
experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red
siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm
jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on
such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.

Mike Wikan
Game Design\Conceptual Art
n-Space, Inc.
A Producer of 3D Entertainment Software