OT: Unofficial History of the World by Richard Lederer

It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles
of
the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the
world
from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the
United
States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot - RL

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain
areas
of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early egyptian women often
wore
a garment called a calasiria. It was a sheer dress which started beneath
the
breasts which hung to the floor.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The
Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their
children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
Isaac, stole his brother's birth-mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought
up
his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of
Jacob's
sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses
went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one
of
David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost
all
his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone iwth his wife
in
the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says taht the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx
until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer.
Homer
also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses
endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying,
he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would
torture
his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the
guests
wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that's
the
cause of the fall of Rome. Tome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full
of
fallen arches today.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle-aged. King Alfred
conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave
knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded
his
troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak
and
was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague
grew
boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man
should
be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest write of the
futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts,
goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about
William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's
head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by
a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made
hime the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry
VIII
Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an
abbess
on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When
Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah".
Then
her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removeable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greates writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies,
and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His Mind is filled with the filth
of
incestuous sheets which he pours over everytime he sees his mother. In
another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood. The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown,
and
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish
was
to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for
all
of this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independece. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two
cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand".
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of
Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic
hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare
arms.

Abraham Lincoln because America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength".

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburn Address while traveling from
Washington
to Gettysburn on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclomation.

On the night of April 14th, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot n
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when
the
apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number
of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept
up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very Serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished
before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness,
she
couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.
Her
death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughs and
inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cur for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist
who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio.
And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history