Felis cattus space drives...

I got this from FTGZG-L back when there was such a beast, many moons and
three email addresses ago.

It's still funny!

Brian - yh728@victoria.tc.ca -
- http://wind.prohosting.com/~warbard/games.html -

>---------- Forwarded message ----------
>THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
>----------------------------------
>
>  If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
>butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and
>towering place, it will land on its feet.
>
>  But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a
>cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its 
>feet?
>Or will the butter splat on the ground?
>
>  ------------------------------------------------------------
>
>  Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able
>to deduce the obvious result.
>
>  The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground,
and
>the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can
not
>smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature
would
>have no way to resolve this paradox.  Therefore it simply does not
fall.
>
>  That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you
>have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will, when
>released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
>butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium point can be
>modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or
removing
>some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
>
>  Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
principle
>to drive their ships while within a planetary system.	The loud humming
>heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several
hundred
>tabbies.
>
>  The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread
>off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will
land
>on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right
>after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship
>and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
>
>  And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using
the
>aforementioned anti-gravity device.
>
>  One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation
(say,
>about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their
backs,
>thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental
felines.
>More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in
stasis?
>
>  I offer a modest proposal:
>
>  We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
>guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat.  Plaster the outside of

>your
>ship with white shirts.  Place four nozzles symmetrically around the
ship,
>which is, of course, saucer shaped.  Fire tomato sauce out in
proportion to
>the directions you want to go.  The ship, drawn by the shirts, will
>automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as
fast
>as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts.  This does not work
as
>well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a
>black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter
force
>of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine.  Your only hope at that point
is to
>jettison enormous quantities of Tide.	This will create the well-known
>Gravitational Tidal Force.
>
>
>

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