RE: Re:[OT?]Dangerous Alian Wildlife - Stinging Tree URL

G'day again,

> On Australian wildlife, the English comedian described the 
> flora and fauna as falling into the following categories:
> Kills you
> Hurts you
> Scares you
> or
> Makes you wish you hadn't come.

This is a piece I got through email a while back... its in the same
kinda
spirit ;)

Cheers

Beth

>>>>>>>>>
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the 
bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many

unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite 
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep

into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident 
of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great 
Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more 
frightening theory, but they can't spell either. 

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the 
place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as 
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.

Typically, it is unique in this. 

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be 
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that 
of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of
them. 
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous 
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few 
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the 
spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check 
inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting

down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this
task. 
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are

more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the

common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its
life 
digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it
comes 
out to eat worms and grubs. 

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is
indestructible. 
Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass 
Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. 
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9
wheels 
on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this
by 
snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat 
becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be
imagined, 
but not adequately described. 

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing
behaviour. 
If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat
will 
feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it 
will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow 
with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand
will 
be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply
bear 
down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their 
crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is

considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians

don't talk about it much. 

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative

of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays 
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and 
has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical' 
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature. 

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a 
short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in

boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them 
died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, 
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled
in, 
and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. 
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. 
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and 
stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn 
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from

the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot

of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever
since. 
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider 
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they 
can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they 
say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left
in 
the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. 
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended 
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused

by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a 
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the
core 
of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking

inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up

the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal
gift 
for making up stories. Be warned. 

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the 
nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing 
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, 
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a 
rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
just 
from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is
worth 
the risk. 

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would 
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, 
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless 
they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible 
problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering

feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and
mud. 
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is

Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim 
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the 
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and 
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing 
about this is they may be right. 

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not
under 
any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are 
comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian 
shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians 
don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only 
correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert 
your own regional swear word here} country in the world!". 
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 
'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where 
Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It

is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an

astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange 
clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off
any 
legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took
him 
to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his 
notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other 
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and 
noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this
unique 
culture. 

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use 
of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators. 
* Typical Australian sayings 
- "G'Day!" 
- "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." 
- "She'll be right." 
- "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn 
and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and
the 
white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And 
where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes,

and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household

word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride." 

* Tips to Surviving Australia 
- Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We
mean 
it. 
- The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think 
it is. 
- Always carry a stick. 
- Air-conditioning. 
- Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained 
linguist and good in a fistfight. 
- Thick socks. 
- Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are 
people nearby. 
- If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at 
all times, or you will die. 
- Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is 
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful 
thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,